it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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