I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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