you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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