I'm gonna have a badass scar
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
