You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Drunk is a universal language darling
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
