i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
The cops high fived after they tackled you
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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