Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
