Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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