i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
