Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
