Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Randomize
