i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
