I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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