Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
