Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
