good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Life is so much better after having sex.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
