shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
