I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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