I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
