How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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