drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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