Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Randomize
