I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
