Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Randomize
