Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
