Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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