a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
