I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
