I met the friendliest cop last night
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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