Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
