I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
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