Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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