i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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