Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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