i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize