Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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