I'm gonna have a badass scar
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
