somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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