I will die if light touches me.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Drake has all the answers
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
