All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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