I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Damn victory sex feels great
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
