Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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