it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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