i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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