remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
