Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
