god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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