I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
