dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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