So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
