I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
