so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Randomize
