I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
