I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
But i just feel like he will pull it out and ill panic. I mean its fairly basic. Up and down. But i feel like ill just freak out.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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