I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
