I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
