One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
